I’m stubbornly confident that there are still people in pursuit of covenant marriages; Marriages that are undividedly devoted, completely committed, persistently selfless, value-centered, joy-filled, and love-based.
Covenant marriages are irreplaceable and indispensable. My husband and I crave that kind of marriage, and we deeply desire to do and be the things that will attain it. Therefore, we’ve established a simple rhythm that continues to save and grow our marriage. If you share in our passion for thriving committed marriages and relationships, read on.
In the United States, researchers estimate that 50 percent of all first marriages will end in permanent separation or divorce. The risk is even higher for second marriages, about 60 percent. How is it, that our grandparent’s generation is committed to their marriages at age 80, yet as a 24-year-old, most of my friend’s parents are divorced or remarried by age 50. And as for my generation, it seems that the obsession with weddings remains rampant, yet the focus on marriage as the purpose of the wedding day, is becoming less and less.
So what has caused the pendulum to swing so far? Why are people getting married later, ending marriage sooner, and remarrying multiple times? I was in an old antique shop once and read a quote that I think sums it up the best. “Back in our day, when something broke, you fixed it instead of throwing it away.” The quote was inked over a photo of an elderly couple holding each other close.
But isn’t that just it? When our grandparents were growing up, if their car, bike, sink, dress, bed, or radio broke, they fixed it. Nowadays, most people wouldn’t even know how to fix those things even if they wanted to. More than that, most people don’t want to because they don’t need to. If it breaks, they just buy a new one, a better one. Seemingly, nothing is irreplaceable. And so the same concept has unfortunately translated to our marriages. If it breaks, just get a new one.
My husband and I, and I’m confident we’re not alone in this, want to have a marriage marked by “fixing,” instead of “throwing away.” As a result, we have prioritized an imperative rhythm in our marriage, and it has led to tremendous payoff. That rhythm is something that we call, our “Navigator’s Council.”
“Navigator’s Council” is taken from our favorite book, “A Severe Mercy,” which we read every year to/with each other. The book is an autobiography by Sheldon Vanuaken, about his love for his wife Davey. It’s a passionate love story that begs to inspire and multiply love stories like theirs. In the book, Davey and Sheldon had a knack for naming things; they named seasons, places, objects, circumstances, moments, decisions, rhythms, and routines. One of those rhythms is something they referred to as their, “Navigator’s Council,” which was a set-aside time for them to review where they’d been and where they were going.
When we got married we knew we wanted to adopt a similar rhythm. During our pre-marital counseling with the couple that married us, one of the things we learned that stuck with us the most, was a rhythm they call their, “marriage journal.” It’s a journal containing five questions that they ask each other and record each week. The questions are simple, but paramount for hedging against conflict, and fostering intimacy. They have “marriage journals” dating back to the early years of their marriage. It’s something that they have committed to as a way of growing, protecting, and strengthening their marriage.
My mind immediately went to “A Severe Mercy,” and “Navigator’s Council.” My heart leaped at the idea of a journal that would strengthen and record the growth of our love, while also, “fixing the broken pieces.” So we decided to take on this rhythm with a “Roloff flare.” And of course, we call it our, “Navigator’s Council.”
Each week we ask each other a series of questions that we came to a consensus on during our honeymoon. Many of them are similar to the “marriage journal” questions that our premarital counselor’s urged us to use, but we added/subtracted/changed a few. These are the seven questions we ask each other and record our answers in our Navigator’s Council journal every Sunday.
Navigator’s Council:
What brought you joy this week?
What was something that was hard this week?
What’s one specific thing I can do for you this week?
How can I pray for you this week?
Is there anything that’s gone unsaid, convictions, confessions, unresolved
hurt?
What’s a dream, desire or thought that’s been on the forefront of your mind this week?
Ask each other a question.
We always end our time in prayer, and once a month we ask two additional questions that we don’t feel are necessary to ask each week.
How are we stewarding our finances?
How is our sex life?
I can honestly say that because of Navigator’s Council, I can count on one hand the amount of fights we’ve had since we’ve been married. Arguments and disagreements arise, but they are fleeting and diminished because we know that each Sunday is a call to reconciliation, a burning away of bitterness, and a revelation of truth.
Although the purpose of the journal is to cultivate consistent communication on important matters each week, it’s also incredible to see how effective this practice has been for our marriage. As we’ve reflected on old entries, we smile at what this mere journal has prevented us from, and the standard it has held us to. The hour that we set aside on Sundays to create time and space for the discipline of communication has been crucial. Yes, it’s a discipline, and I would argue, a vital one to marriage.
No circumstance is acceptable for missing a Sunday of Navigator’s Council. We figure if we can’t commit to this one thing, that takes less than an hour, once a week, how can we expect ourselves to commit to a lifetime of marriage? So even when we’ve been traveling all day, arrive home after midnight, have to wake up at 3 a.m. on Monday, or the to-do list is over-bearing, we still make time for our Navigator’s Council.
Not only is our Navigator’s Council a review of where we’ve been and where we are going, but it is a time to share, a call to transparency, a reminder of truth, a discerning of dreams, and a harvesting of love.
I know so many people dating or married that couldn’t tell you what brought their husband or boyfriend joy last week, but they could tell you in a heart beat what he did that pissed them off. It’s a pathetic reality. We should know what brings our boyfriends and husbands joy, what makes them sad, boils their blood, and ignites their hearts. At the core, every single human on the planet has a desire to know and be known. But without the discipline of communication, we are left to assume. Navigator’s Council doesn’t leave room for assumptions, it turns knowing more into loving more. Always loving, more and more.
Whatever your “Navigator Council” looks like, I urge you to create time and space for a rhythm that cultivates the discipline of communication. Whether you fabricate your own list of questions, or you have a completely different way of growing, protecting, and strengthening your relationship, I hope you have the kind of love that’s marked by “fixing,” instead of “throwing away.”
May this decade be marked by a drop in the divorce rate, a revival of covenant marriages and relationships, and love that endures. #beating50percent
Beating50percent.com @beating50
I think what you and your husband are doing to promote a wonderful marriage relationship is going to work. I can see this working in so many other types of relationships between people. For one example, when you begin having children, you could start out with a journal from birth on and when they become an age of understanding processing, have a child/parent journal and take time each week with each child with questions from you and from them, if you get my drift in the concept of your marriage journal. Thank you for sharing this part of you and your husband’s unique married life.
Kat, I love that idea and thank you for sharing! I can imagine one on one time with each kid will be a challenging thing! I love the one-on-one!
You 2 are an inspiration to young couple and have to say o learned where I could help
My marriage. Communication in any form is so important!! Thank you
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement!
When you ask about what brought you joy and what was hard, is it aimed at your relationship or just anything in life?
Great blog! Thanks for sharing.
Hey! It’s aimed at anything in life! This week my Joy was taking Barre3 class and finding a web developer to help with my blog! Some weeks my joy comes from Jeremy too though so those times are inevitably aimed at our relationship! Thanks for asking!
Very good article, you two are an inspiration to all young couples just starting out. Wishing you a lifetime of happiness! Can’t wait for the babies!!!
Hey Lori! Thank you so much for reading and encouraging us! Love to you!
Thank you
Hi Audrey… wow! What an inspiration you and jeremy are. I have learnt something by reading your blog & will definitely implement some things. It is very important to keep your marriage alive and interesting, exciting and communication is key. God first and everything else will fall into place. Keep up the good work. Lauren-Leigh (all the way from South Africa – Cape Town 🙂 God bless
Wow!! I can’t believe you have a blog – Let me explain. I just recently caught up on my TV shows and saw The Roloff interview where you and Jeremy discussed your weekly talks & your 6 questions. I was instantly intrigued and felt how smart that was. Now the ironic – my husband and I are having a rough patch and I have been trying to figure out how to right our path or how to “fix it”. I’ve been thinking of the show and was wondering about the weekly questions so today I decided to do a google search and see what I could find. What did I find, you might ask??? Your blog with your questions. Now I’m not the best at my spirituality but I’ve learned to stop & listen when something is “randomly” shown to me. Thank you for this, finding this has given me the hope that trying is the right thing to do and the desire and determination to do the work to “fix it”. Wishing you & your family the strength to do the hard stuff in order to enjoy all the good. ~ Gina
Do you guys keep a journal or do you just ask the questions? Do you each have a journal or is it one journal? We’ve started implementing the weekly questions and it has helped. It’s our quiet time to reflect and we have had a lot less blow ups.
I have the same question, whether this is an oral or written communication that is shared or private,? Separate or combined journal (s)? My husband and I would benefit from better communication. Hope we will get a response!
I love seeing a young couple loving Jesus and loving each other! You are such a testimony to God’s grace and loving kindness.
Auj,
Such wisdom and truth at such a young age is something for which I pray for my own children. I stumbled upon your blog because I follow Lisa Bevere on Instagram. I wanted to know who you were because I had not seen you before. I digress because the relevance of that moment had nothing to do with curiosity and everything to do with God’s perfect plan. Although I had seen the show a couple of times, I never made the connection. What you and Jeremy are doing impacts all generations, spans every cultural and every age, and has made a lasting impression on me. I want to encourage all those who will find your blog that the truth you share can and will impact new marriages, marriages that are a few years in (or itching in their seventh year) or marriages that have seen the test of time. Also, it is never too late. It is never too late for love. Our pastor spoke about redemption this week and what it means. Redemption means God puts you back to your original purpose and makes you better than you were before. My husband and I were a mess when we got started. Two kids later, lots of activities, full time jobs and oh how the enemy waits to destroy at every possible opportunity. I love what you said, ‘so many people don’t know what brought their boyfriend or their husband joy that week but they sure know how he ticked her off!’ That’s me. Bless. We will cover you all in prayers as we do our pastor, our church, our great country, my family and my friends. Because girl, we needed to hear what you had to say. Always more. Yes. And better than before. ❤️
Mandy
You too seem to be “working” really hard at marriage. I guess I have a different perspective. I have been married for 25 yrs and I have never felt like it is work. It is simple, we love and adore each other and when you truly love another, it is not an effort to give over 50% you simply just do.
This is a first for me .. you are getting my truth. If it helps just one couple stay together, it will have been worth it.
It has been almost 25 years since my marriage ended. Damn. We really had the world by the tail. Wonderful child, beautiful home, we traveled, no debt, great jobs, great future … and on top of it, we did not fight.
So now you ask why on earth didn’t it work? I’ll tell you. There was a deep sadness that would sneak in and eat away at my heart and my happiness. I could not figure it out. I began to believe that the problem had to be rooted within me and my husband. Not for anything he did, but in my mind that was the only thing I could see. It was at the end of a brief six months of post marriage counseling that I had my ‘light bulb moment.’ It broke my heart into a thousand pieces. It was shattering to realize that the core reason for my sadness and unhappiness had absolutely nothing to do with my husband and everything to do with the dysfunctional life I had been raised in. The hurt and pain of those years had been deeply buried and over time, had gradually bubbled to the surface. I was 40 years old and in my 17th year of marriage. Who knew damage done in your child hood could lie in wait all those years and then when you least expect it, rise up and steal your life.
Yes. I went to my husband and I sobbed at the loss. The loss of a childhood and now, the loss of my marriage. It was too late. He did not want to reconcile. The divorce went forward, our lives forever changed and any chance to continue a shared history was lost.
My message to anyone thinking about ending their marriage? Please, please, please, before you walk out that door, seek professional help. Identify what is truly wrong. Is the problem really within your marriage or perhaps something hidden within you?
I applaud what you are doing and if I ever find myself in the marriage world again I will absolutely follow your plan. It so vital to nurture a shared relationship. Love is all. Recognize it when it is there. Period.
I am 42, my husband and I have been married for 7 years, together for 12, and we have recently incorporated these questions into our monthly budget meeting. Thank you so much for this! It has been an excellent way for us to reflect on things and discuss things that might have gone unsaid otherwise. It really has been a joy to do together and I look forward to continuing this tradition. I admire your dedication to each other as a couple and your desire to beat the statistics and take marriage seriously, sadly I don’t think many people do anymore. A good marriage takes work, that is what keeps it good, and doing things like this help so much. Keep doing what you are doing and know you are an inspiration to many.
– Also, love your Always More philosophy.
Thanks!