About halfway through my freshman year of college, I broke up with my boyfriend of two and a half years.ย Thatโs a long story for a future postโฆ. but for now, I want to focus on how to embrace singleness. Especially after ending a long-term relationship.
If you are just out of a relationship and trying to heal from heartbreak, or youโve been single for a decade and canโt understand why Mr. Right hasnโt come knocking on your doorโฆ. this post is for you. I hope to highlight why singleness is important, what I learned from it, and how it prepared me for my husband.
First, I want to give you some background on my story, before I share my advice with all you single beauties out there!
In high school, I was not the girl who, โalways had a boyfriend.โ I started dating my first boyfriend at the end of my sophomore year, and I think we high fived more than we hugged.ย I broke up with him because he wanted to hang out moreโฆ and I wanted to spend time with my friends, family, and teammates.
I didnโt like feeling obligated.
I was not heartbroken in the slightest after I broke up with him. In fact, I was probably more relieved… I was excited to have my life back, and not have to report to anyone.
Dating was fun, I liked learning to drive stick shift, free ice cream, going to the fair and watching movies, but beyond that I didnโt really see the point…
All relationships are either moving towards or away from marriage.
This may be a surprise to some of you (or confirm your suspicionโฆ.), but I was a tomboy in high school.
I dressed like one, acted like one, competed like one, and dated like one.
I was that girl that โdidnโt care.โ I was not emotional, not sensitive, and could care less about celebrity gossip and who kissed who last weekend.
I had an amazing group of best friends (who are still my best friends), but I also spent a lot of time being the only girl in a group of guys.
When I started dating my only serious boyfriend before Jeremy, I began to embrace my feminism, but only a little. I started to wear sundress, but I still accessorized them with baseball hats and vansโฆ.
When I went off to college, I started to learn more about Godโs heart regarding dating, relationships, marriage and sex. My parents didnโt teach my much about this stuff, but the pastor of my church spoke to this topic extensively. He wrote a book on it called, โLoveologyโ which I highly recommend if your single, dating, engaged, or married! Itโs incredible.
Shortly after reading this book, I felt a strong sense that I needed to break up with my current boyfriend.ย We had been dating for over two and a half years, and although I really liked him, I just knew he wasnโt my husband (Again, long story I will post about in the future possibly).
After we broke-up, I was heartbrokenโฆ. but I let the heartbreak make me hard.
I built walls around my heart to protect it from getting punctured again. I took the verse, โguard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life,โ(Proverbs 4:23) wayyyyy to literally, and out of context.
I took pride in my singlenessโฆ but to a fault. I was hyper individualistic, uninviting, cold, intimidating, and probably came across as a piece of work to any guy that looked my wayโฆ
I tell you all this so that you have a better idea of who Audrey was before Jeremy, and so that you can clearly see the change that occurred during my necessary season of singleness.
After the breakup:
After the breakup, I told myself that I was not going to communicate with my ex-boyfriend at all for at least 6 months. I knew that I needed a clean break in order for me to heal and move on. I had watched so many of my friends break up with their boyfriends and then get back together over and over againโฆ They would break up, bu then they would still talk, hang out, and make-out. I didnโt want to fall into that, so I completely prevented the temptation (side note for those of you that donโt know me well, I also am a little bit of an extremist;)).
Post break up, God pressed on my heart to intentionally commit to a season of singleness. I knew (hoped) it wouldnโt be forever, but I wanted to allow God to prepare me for the man He had for me.
I wanted to be more concerned with becoming the right woman, than finding the right man.
Culture has made singleness sometimes feel like a disease.
Maybe you feel like there is something seriously wrong with you because you arenโt dating or in a relationship.
Or maybe you are totally content being single, but everyone around you is offering unsolicited dating advice, and you constantly feel like someoneโs project.
Be patient. Donโt settle. Wait.
The man God has for you is a warrior poet. Strong, but gentle. Confident, but humble. ย Tough, but romantic.
He is worth preparing for.
Here are a few reasons why I would encourage every young woman to commit to a season of singleness:
Singleness teaches you to love yourself before you love someone else โ You have to love yourself first! So many women I know look to men for affirmation.ย When they donโt find it from men, they buy into the lies of inadequacy that singleness presents. Donโt do that! Find the lie that you are believing about yourself, and replace it with a truth. You are good enough, pretty enough, strong enough, and smart enough. God created you in His image, beautiful and pure. He delights in you, but you must learn to delight in yourself before allowing someone else to.
Singleness develops a confidence that is not contingent on people or circumstances โ Your confidence must stand alone. Singleness allows you to develop an unconditional confidence because you are not looking to on another human to build your confidence. ย Your confidence cannot be reliant on the grade you got on a test, how well you played in your soccer game, or who you are dating. It must come from within. Jeremy will say that the thing that attracted him to me the most before we were dating was my confidence. I knew who I was, and who I wanted to become. And that was 100% because of my season of singleness. I let Christ put my insecurities to sleep, so that Jeremy wouldnโt be left with the responsibility (Although now that I am married, I realize that God often uses Jeremy to continue building my confidence and tearing down my insecurities).
Singleness permits you to pursue passions and dreams that you may not be able to when your married โ Study abroad, go on a mission trip, take that trip with your best friend, or move away! By not having a significant other to prioritize, we are freed up to prioritize our own passions and dreams! ย I am so thankful for the passions and dreams I was able to pursue because I was single. ย I became the team captain and best distance runner on my collegiate cross-country and track team, I helped fundraise for a new track, I lead a group of high school Young Life girls and watched them mature in their faith and in life, I raised chickens, I worked at the Olympic Trails for track and field, and I went to Minnesota for the summer to work at a camp with my best friend. These are just a few of the things I was able to do and pursue because my priorities where not split.ย
Singleness makes you available to spend quality time with your family and friends โ The relationships you build with your friends, family, roommates, teammates, mentors and coaches will all help to prepare you for a marriage relationship. The people closest to you in your life help to refine you, let them! When you are constantly dating someone, itโs harder to make time for your friends and family, because you are preoccupied. I cannot tell you how thankful I am to have had the time and energy to dive deeper into relationships with my Young Life girls, teammates, roommates, ect. during my season of singleness. Those Monday night meetings with my college mentor, the 2 a.m. conversations with my roommates, and the holidays spent with my family helped shape me into a woman worth marrying.
Singleness motivates you to pray for your future husband โ I have been praying for my husband since I was in the 7th grade. Not having any idea who he would be, what he would be like, or if I had already met himโฆ I prayed for him. I also prayed that I would be ready for him when I met him. That I would be the woman God created me to be, and that I would bring out the best version of the man He created me to be with. During my intentional season of singleness, I was more motivated than ever to pray for my future husband. I prayed that the Lord would protect him from temptation and attack. I asked God to bless him with good friends and an encouraging family, to make him wise and strong, and to bless the work of his hands. I prayed that he would be a warrior poet. I prayed that he would be, โhot and holy,โ as they say;) It love rereading the prayers I prayed for my husband, and being able to show them to Jeremy. Those prayers alone have increased my faith tremendously, because the Lord gave me abundantly more than I could ever have asked for or imagined in a husband.
Singleness matures your faith โ I grew more than I ever have in my relationship with the Lord during that season of singleness. I spent so much time in Godโs Word, with community, and in prayer. God pressed so many things on my heart during that season that required me to change. I truly believe those changes were preparing me for Jeremy. I became less โhard.โ I let myself have emotions. I was ok with being โgirly.โ The Lord stripped away my prideful hyper individualist personality. He taught me how to depend on Him in all things, He let me experience trials and sufferings, and presented me with opportunities to become a servant. ย I think my first year of marriage would have been really really rough without going through those experiences when I was single.
Singleness allows you to be undividedly devoted to the Lord โ The time you spend waiting and seeking God before meeting your spouse is more valuable than you realize. When you get married, your devotion is divided. Your focus cannot be on the Lord alone, because the Lord desires us to prioritize our spouses, and love and respect them. Easier said than doneโฆ. But before you are married, you can be undividedly devoted to the Lord. If he presses on your heart to do something, you can do it without consulting another person. That is both liberating and exciting! Embrace it.
Singleness prepares you for oneness โ Becoming one with another human is what the wedding day symbolizes. It is what marriage is all about. But becoming one with someone else, is something that our flesh fights. We are innately selfish. Seeking our own desires and pursuits. We have preconceived notions for the way things should go and be. Marriage shakes all that up. It requires both parties to be willing to change. Singleness also requires you to be willing to change, which prepares you for oneness.
Are you single and searching? I would encourage you to stop searching for Mr. Right, and start seeking the Lord. Singleness allows you to be more concerned with becoming the right woman, than finding the right mane. Maybe you need to commit to a season of singles? If you are in college and currently single, just out of a relationship, or casually dating, I highly recommend it!
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This is a perfect blog for my daughter to read and to re-read. I need to place this in her bible so she has it with her all the time when. When she needs reassurance that it is alright to be single and to wait because God has someone for her. Thank you so much for writing this!
Thanks for reading! I hope your daughter finds encouragement!
your gift is in your wisdom, maturity and open heart. Stripe the Ego away -you essentially become God’s vessel and your true sense of self emerges in the likeness you were seeking!!! And not to mention you have a talent with the written word!
I totally agree with you that you should be more concerned with becoming the right woman than finding the right man. That is something that I’ve realized the last months. But the way you say that you should ‘commit’ to a season of singleness is kind of new to me. I have accepted the situation, me being single, but its not a situation that I choose or want to be in. To really commit to singleness is actually a lot more than just accepting the way it is. It kinda changes the way I look at it. I may not have choosen to be single, but I can commit to this time en grow so much more and become the right woman. You’ve givin me a lot to think about. Thanks for sharing you thoughts!
Great thoughts Audrey! I wish I could have this a couple years ago. I also went through a season of singleness while in university and looking back I really appreciate this time. I did grow in my faith and was able to develop my friendships and use my free time to go to events and meet new people. Every season of life has elements to cherish.
Amen!!!
Audrey, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Those are the words I needed to read since a long time.
Some days, I get frustrated because I am 23 and I’ve always seen my life settled, married, around 24.
I am in a permanent search of Mr Right, angry because he hasn’t showed up yet.
But I’ve never actually taken the time to embrace my singleness and prepare myself to be the woman God wants me to be.
This article is a light in my current blurry life.
You rock !
Sophie thank you for sharing!!
What a wonderful read! Love reading your blogs and seeing you and Jeremy embrace the Lord in every step of your lives! My singleness in my life prepared me to come to Jesus and also remarry my husbandโกโก He had the light that I so wanted and all I had to do was embrace Him! Here we are 8 years later in a marriage that God made and I am so blessed that He brought us together as husband and wife again, but with Him as the center of our relationship. Thank you, for your blog and wonderful words.
Awesome!! Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for writing this, it came into my life at the perfect moment. I was committed to a man that was everything I shouldn’t want in a relationship. He used me for almost 8 years and it was a bad cycle, but I was terrified of letting go and being alone. Last month I made the decision to move on with my life….but it’s been difficult emotionally. This blog post gave me so much comfort and hope that this is my “season of singleness”. I want to embrace it and do things I’ve never done before because I didn’t want to experience them “alone”. In addition, I’m getting right with God. Thank you for your words, and you’ve gained an online follower and an online friend in me.
All the best,
Ashley – Chicago, IL
I agree completely as a 21 year old female in my 3rd year of college at California Baptist University I am trying to understand myself before I begin to date. I want to pray to God, Listen to my mentor, and improve in school for a good semester so I can learn about myself, before I learn someone else. Auj, I am so glad that you wrote this blog I’m so happy that a woman learning herself before learning a man is a shared belief! I ask that you continue to write AujPoj blogs for your advice is appreciated!
Hey Audrey … i just wanna say that your blogs and posts really encourage me!!!! I am 14 and am also a Christian…. Reading these blogs just make me wanna live a better life. you are my inspiration!! i love you!! … Jera
I really like what you said. I’m passing through that time where God tells me to have a time of singleness. My heart is really transformed by God in this season. But it’s not always simple. It needs me to persevere. Just letting go … But I’m really sure of the goodness of this season. And looking for to be that right woman ! (Sorry for my english, I don’t speak it currently!) Your testimony encourages me ! Be blessed ! You’re such a beautiful couple !
Wow, thank you so much for this. I am trying to hold back tears cause this spoke to my heart to greatly. What a blessing your testimony is.
I totally agree with you that a season of singleness is so great to experience as a woman. I moved to Chicago for a summer after a break up and it was one of the best times in my life because I grew so much on my own and discovered my power on my own. It is so easy to morph into a ‘ couple version’ of yourself. Standing alone builds a version of yourself that can stand together with your husband when the time is right. Great post, Audrey!
random question…is there a video of your engagement ?
WOw that is so true hey… but more importantly
“Singleness makes you available to spend quality time with your family and friends” that is a good one,
I just turned 26 but was in a relationship that ended a year ago. I have been in relationships before and dated here and there and I think as I grow older I am becoming much more aware of what I need to prioritize in my life…number 1 being the Lord. My head was a mess towards the end of that relationship and I am still trying to find my old self. I totally agree with you that society makes singleness out to be a disease. I also think society does not allow us single people to feel that we are already whole, and the only way to be whole is to be in a relationship. NOT TRUE. I needed to read this and bless you girl! ๐
Thank you for this sweet post. I think as women we forget just how important it is for us to remember God being our first husband, always, and to be conscious of who WE ARE and how we’re growing instead of focusing so much on who’s going to marry us. So much time and energy consumed in those ideas when it’s so much more important to be the woman of God’s creating. Thank you for your listening, your devotion to Truth, and your desire to help others grow in grace.
This is my favourite aujpoj blog post. I’ve come back to read it over and over and over. In the midst of my friends all finding “the one”, it’s easy to find myself getting consumed in finding the right man. This post never fails to encourage me and remind me of the importance of putting myself first during my single life. All of the love, thanks Audrey! xoxo
This is one of the best things I’ve ever read.
I am exactly in this spot right now and I am finding so much of what you experienced to be absolutely true!
For so long this approaching single season was something I dreaded. Everyone I knew hated being single after college – my big sister HATED it. I entered into it and after a while decided that I would CHOOSE contentment. I would view every letdown and breakup as protection from The Lord and preparation for things yet to come.
Thank you so much, Audrey, for this post!
You and I, I am convinced, would be great friends.
May The Lord bless you richly, abundantly, and beautifully.
<3, Brittany.
I love this post! Thank you so much for showing me that it is okay to be single! I just ended it with my bf of 7 years but i realized he’s not the one. I have one more year of college and I am going to enjoy it with my friends and family. Thank you for giving me the courage and reassurance that being single, is okay!
Loved reading this. It hit me very deeply. I just broke up with my boyfriend of four years, who I thought was the “one” and am in the “now what” stage. I am ready to commit to a season of singleness to see what the Lord has to teach me. Thank you for offering a refreshing take on this and so many other things!
Thank you so much for writing about your season of singleness! I have been out of college for two years and single throughout that entire time. You are a great writer because I definitely would not have been able to put into words singleness the way you did! If it’s not too personal, how long was your period of singleness before you met your husband? I love your thoughts on marriage, faith and becoming the right woman.
I’m 40 and recently single after a very long relationship. Your words are so true and truly inspired by the Lord! Thank you for sharing your journey! I needed to hear and read this and let it minister to my heart!
This is totally where I am at right now. I am single again after a divorce and then a wrong relationship. God has me focusing on him. I want to be the woman God wants me to be for my new husband that he has promised me. Thanks for this.
This absolutely helped calm my heart tonight <3
Praise the Lord
This post really spoke to my heart tonight. Thank you, Audrey. I go to a small, private Christian school (and I always have, for eleven years now!) and dating has been absent from my sixteen years of life thus far. This isn’t by choice, but simply by circumstance. (Being surrounded by the same twenty people your entire childhood can be both a good thing and a bad thing.) So for the past several months now I have been down on myself, wondering and questioning God on why I haven’t experienced some of the “firsts” (i.e. first date, first kiss) that other girls my age have. So, long story short, I desperately needed to hear that IT IS PERFECTLY A-OKAY TO BE SINGLE. I have my entire life to experience those “firsts,” and no matter how long I may wait, God is present and active and working in my life, and He will lead me to the right man someday–but not before shaping me into the right woman.
Hannah! Thank you for your honesting. First of all let me just say that when I met Jeremy, I SOOO WISHED that he could have been my first date and first kiss. Cherish and hold onto that! God has protected and is preparing you for the right man, keep focusing on becoming the right woman! And yes, it is perfectly OK! You nailed it. Love to you pretty girl!
Audrey, this left me in tears. First off, I watch the show with my mom and we love it so much. It makes us feel like we’re a part of the family too ๐ haha. I think you’re so beautiful and I love your outfits and hair! (I have naturally curly hair as well!). And your confidence is something I definitely wish I had. As I was watching the episode where you help your friend Ellen with her wedding, and how I always see Facebook friends getting engaged almost everyday…it just makes me wonder, how do all these people just find their soulmates? It seems like such a normal, everyday thing and people make it look so easy. And yet I’m still single and 24. And it’s hard not to wonder if anything is wrong with you when so many people are getting engaged and married and you don’t even have a boyfriend. I’ve been single for 2 years and I like being single most of the time, but there are definitely times when I feel like I’m not good enough…I wish I had confidence in myself. Do you have any other tips on how to gain self confidence that’s worked for you?
Thank you for this! Love ya!
Hey Audrey!
Girl, you are an inspiration. I identify with this post SO VERY MUCH right now. I’m 25 and have had terrible luck with men in the last year. Definitely feel that the Lord is calling me to have my own “intentional season of singleness”. ๐
I can’t tell you how encouraging it is that you took the time to pray for Jeremy before you even knew him. All praise to God that He brought you two together in His perfect timing! I know that the Lord has my person out there, and that He is preparing us for one another in this very moment. It’s SO encouraging to hear that someone else my age has been there!!
keep it up, lady! You’re awesome!
Wow! Really needed to hear this tonight!! Thank you for always honestly sharing your heart!
Thanks for writing about this topic! It tends to be one of the least talked about topics in Christian culture. One of those topics that make people uncomfortable. I agree with many of the things you said, but I also believe that singles can experience that “oneness” you talked about. You donโt have to be married to experience deep kinship.
“God is neither married, nor single. God is relational. This means that Godโs relational nature can be beautifully imaged by humans who are married or single. However, single people reflect the trinitarian nature of God in a unique way. As single people who are not committed to a dyadic/marital relationship with one other human being, we are free to invest in communities of people.” — Christena Cleveland
I think singles are told too often, “hey just wait this season out.” Almost like we are suffering and the best is yet to come. I am sure you didn’t mean that, but I think you should be careful in saying wait.
I’m just going to leave this article here because I think this is some of the best wisdom I’ve heard on this topic.
http://www.christenacleveland.com/blog/2016/4/a-liberation-theology-for-single-people
This is sound wisdom. Thanks for allowing God to use you to minister to the world.
I love this…
I just got out of a four year relationship with the person i thought God wanted me to marry. But he wasn’t. Now I am in a weird place of being glad I am independent again, but also longing for my true husband. I think this challenge is a good idea. It’s so incredibly true that we need to be secure in ourselves first and strong in our relationship with Christ. The prayer journal for “my future husband” is also an awesome idea!
Much Love!
– Hannah S.
Hi Audrey!
Love this! I am 44, single mom, part time student, and work full time. My son is 18. I stayed single all 18 years, focusing on him. Well, I thought I have been in the season of singleness long enough. I was getting lonely and impatient a few years ago, and prayed to God to send me that special someone. Well, almost 4 months later, on Facebook I reconnected with a man I adored and was in a long distance friendship/ mutual attraction with over 25 years ago. We met at the state fair at 17 yrs old. Wrote letters and a few annual visits until he married at 25. We went our seperate ways. He now is going through a complicated divorce that has lasted 3 years and due to go to trial in December. I didn’t want to start a relationship during a divorce, he does not want a serious relationship yet….but we did date a little in the beginning….& had a whirlwind of new feelings, texting, and talking the first 2 years. Now almost 3years, he is withdrawn and communication is lacking.
But reading your blog, what just occurred to me is
I concentrated so much on being a single parent…I now have time to concentrate on me. I have fallen again for this man. Never exchanged I love you, but I feel it. I am realizing we both need to remain single awhile longer……to learn & be our better selves in a relationship. In my heart, I hope that God intended for us to be together, to learn from each other. I have been there to listen, be supportive, & guide; as I went through a ugly custody action in court.
Right now, I am giving him emotional/ personal space. We are 3 hours apart so there is already enough physical space.
Your singleness blog reminded me that I still have things to refine and learn about myself.
Thank You!
Thank you, Audrey!!!! I realized I need to stop complaining about being single and embrace it as a gift – time to prepare and grow.
This post speaks so true to my heart. I actually wrote a post myself about similar things last month on my blog–I went through a breakup earlier this summer and it hit me hard but God has brought so much beauty from those ashes. He has also led me into a season of intentional singleness and it’s the first time I’ve ever found true joy in this season. And it’s all because of the trust and surrender I’ve confidently been able to find in and give to Him. Thank you for encouraging me to keep going and growing!
I am so happy I’ve been shown this blog! You are such an inspiring person. I’ve been single almost for all my life and I’ve never experienced this joy of being in a truly deep and meaningful relationship, and at times it feels like I’ll never be able to experience that. But when I read stories like yours, it restores my hope that it’s worth waiting, even a lifetime. Thank you.
Hai Audrey, I’ve been having the same perspectives. But it kind of depressing when you accidentally fall on someone but he’s totally not into you. It does make my strength pillar shaken and waver towards ‘you are not worthy for him ‘ … i’m the only one who still single among my friends and this does makes me feel isolated even no one have ever says anything. I wish I could stay stronger.
Hey Audrey,
I always come back to this blog-post when I’m down in the dumps. I’m currently a senior in college who has never had an official “boyfriend”. I’ve dated a few guys for maybe a month or two but, those types of “relationships” have never truly blossomed into anything more than that. Or if I go on a date or two with a guy, they seem interested and then all of a sudden they drop off of the face of the earth. Sometimes I get worked up about it because I always place the blame on myself.
However, your words of wisdom are so inspiring. I think that’s why I come back to this post from time to time. I need remember that I should relish in this season of singleness. Clearly, the man God wants me to be with hasn’t come into my life yet because I should be embracing this time and be more concerned about truly finding myself. I shouldn’t let the posts on social media about people that I grew up with getting engaged and/or married get to me. I just need to leave my trust in God and the wait is going to be so so so worth it.
Thanks for restoring my hope ๐
A hope and a pursuit that I eagerly hope to see among the women of our generation. And we as guys could definitely learn from this as well! Really enjoy your material.